Kaye’s Musings

After Kara’s confirmation this afternoon, we proceeded to SM to eat since we were not able to eat lunch as we had to be in the church at 12:30 for the registration because Kara didn’t want a long line ahead of her. Good thing we were there quite early because there were already a lot of people, and with the kids bringing each a parent and/or a sponsor, the church was filled to the max in no time.

While in SM, we decided to finally watch GI Joe. We didn’t watch it earlier knowing the long lines would just greet us, so thank you very much, but we could wait. And this early evening, we did watch it, Kara, Bong and I.

Needless to say, I enjoyed the movie so much (well, except for the fact that again, it was laced with a sappy love story, but hey, that’s inevitable in every movie, I guess.) It helped that I didn’t know anything about the stories behind each of the GI Joe characters, so unlike watching the harry potter films where each memorable scene that is not included in the film adaptations would usually disappoint me. but yeah, GI Joe delivered in that it had a lot of good action scenes, and the story pretty much entertained me.

But what made it special was the realization that if my brother Lon were there, I knew he would immensely enjoy it. and while watching it, I was immediately transported to that distant time when he was still a kid. You see, when he was still a boy of about 6 or 7, he used to enjoy GI Joe action figures so much. Whenever my mom would go to Divisoria, she would always, always bring one or two, even three GI Joe toys for my brother Lon to play with. He had a collection, and I would often witness him playing with these by himself. I also remembered the joy in his eyes when he would first set eyes on his new GI Joe action figure, and I knew, that he would sleep at night, clutching those toys to his chest.

These are all memories of a happy childhood, which I would bring back, if only I could, because eleven years ago on August 20, my brother Lon left us.

I still get sad whenever I remember him because naturally, I miss him so much. There are a thousand things I would want him to know, but which I could only say to him whenever I pray and wish him eternal repose. Wherever you are, Lon, that movie was for you, and I watched it believing I was seeing it in your eyes.

Then again, my sadness is lessened whenever I look at my little boy who has an uncanny resemblance to his Tito Lon. I just hope he also gets his wonderful ability in Arts and especially Math and English from him. But for now, I am content watching him clutching his toy cars to his chest as he sleeps, much like Lon did with his GI Joes when he was still a kid.

To you, Lon, remember always that Ate Kaye loves you so much and prays you are happy where you are. May you rest in peace…

P.S. Incidentally, GI Joe showed in cinemas here in the Philippines on August 7, which is my brother Lon’s birthday.

Last Thursday afternoon, I received a letter from Unicef, on behalf of East West Bank credit cards. In it was an empty sachet of oral rehydration salts and the story of one-year old baby Mary Jane from Samar , who along with many others unknowingly drank contaminated water which resulted to acute diarrhea. Not knowing what to do, her mother just kept her close, maybe silently praying God would save her daughter’s life.

Help arrived in the form of a health worker who brought oral rehydration salts, and who showed everyone, including Mary Jane’s mom how to prepare and administer the solution to those affected. Continuous administration of the oral rehydration salts revived the baby and saved her life.

Imagine that! There wasn’t anything special about that small packet, yet it was enough to save a life, several lives, in fact. These things are what we usually take for granted, but to many people, they spell a big difference between life and death.

As I read the story, I couldn’t help but cry. Mahina talaga ang puso ko pagdating sa mga bata. I mean, no baby should suffer because well, they’re just babies! They’re supposed to be pampered, loved, cared for, and while they’re still young, be allowed time to play and grow. But the sad reality is that we have more babies than we could care for and the sadder thing is, there are more unscrupulous people who are out to destroy other people’s lives.

So what can we do? UNICEF’s marketing campaign letter said that one’s P750 monthly will be able to save the lives of 25 children who need oral rehydration salts treatment with zinc supplementation. A monthly donation of P1,500 will be able to save 50 children, and a P2,000 monthly donation will be able to help prevent diarrhea by providing access to safe drinking water and sanitation facilities. The latter will be able to provide a shallow well and water pump, or a toilet facility to many communities and families.

I did my part, and after faxing the form, prayed to God to help me sustain my small monthly contribution. Because I have kids and I know how it is to be a mother who can’t bear the sight of her children suffering from even as small as a common cold or a cough. Because I am a mother who loves her kids so much. And because I am a mother who wants the best for all the children of the world. After all, children are supposed to be pampered, loved, cared for, and while they’re still young, allowed time to play, grow, and enjoy what life has to offer.

There are millions out there who deserve our love. If you want to make a contribution, however small it is, you can call UNICEF’s hotline at (02) 758-1000, or email them at psfrmanila@unicef.org.

P.s. I believe God was fervently listening to my silent prayer as I was faxing the form, because that night, my tita, my father’s eldest sister, suddenly gave me money. Not just for me, but for my sisters, and our kids. How great could God be, huh? The day hadn’t ended yet, but He was already teaching me a great lesson—that if we would only let go of our material things, our money, most especially and share it with others, He will give us more. Praise God, indeed!

And Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, especially to our own mothers who gave us this wonderful life. Ü

Last Sunday was Ate Kara’s elementary graduation. I woke up early so I could prepare myself and then put light make up on Ate Kara’s pretty face. As expected, after I made up her face, she was all smiles, which actually made her already pretty face, prettier. (Oh, btw, she liked my new L’Oreal Volume Perfect lipstick so much she asked if she could keep it, to which this very kunsintidorang mom agreed, with a reminder for her to retouch every now and then as it has a very light color which might not at all be visible in the cameras).

We then proceeded to Canossa for the graduation ceremony which was due to start at 8:00 a.m. Good thing we were there about a quarter before eight because in a very short while, they were cued for their graduation procession, which started backstage. Like most parents present, I only waited to see her coming down the stage to her seat before I really settled down myself.

The graduation went by in a blur. There were speeches, and then they were proceeding to the middle of the aisle with their parents in tow to go up the stage for their laminated certificates. In a short while, we were again lining up in the middle of the aisle to go up the stage for the medals. She received a bronze medal for essay writing.

Needless to say, I was very proud of my daughter. Seeing her with friends (I noticed how a lot of her friends lit up upon seeing her when we arrived for their baccalaureate mass last Wednesday) made me realize, no matter how trite it is, that time indeed, flies fast. I was witness to how much fun there was to something even as trivial as lining up before the start of the ceremonies. She and her friends were standing almost at the end of the line. I don’t know if the friendship was cultivated as they lined up for whatever activity they were about to embark on, but they were laughing, teasing each other good-naturedly, and just having plain fun. I was proud and happy to know my daughter gained good friends along the way. I remember how sad she would be at the start of the classes, knowing the “bestest” friends of the previous school year would no longer be sharing classes with her. But I would also tell her, that it was so, because she needed to gain more friends along the way, and that the friends she gained the previous years should always stay as friends, even when they’re not always physically near each other (but then, how hard could a few steps to the next classroom be, when we grown ups sometimes have to endure miles of physical distance from our loved ones and friends? Then again, I never expected her to understand. Yet.)

I was also proud that Kara has grown up to be a young lady with a good head on her shoulders, and an equally good heart inside. It was important for me that she developed both because ultimately, those are at the very core of her Canossian education.

Before we knew it, they were being asked to go in front. Some went onstage, some remained at the foot of the stage, to sing their batch graduation song, “Hand in Hand,” which was the Official 1988 Seoul Olympics song. While Kara was in front singing, Daddy Bong was in front taking photos of her. And while I was alone, I let some tears flow freely. I guess, when you’re a mom these things naturally bring tears to your eyes. Allow me the melodrama, but some eight years ago, when she was only three, I remember bringing Kara to her Nursery class. Outside the door of her classroom, her teacher fetched her. Without so much ado, Kara took the hand her teacher was offering, and without so much as a backward glance, she went inside the classroom. I remember feeling confused, thinking, don’t all kids have separation anxieties the first time they go to school? But there was my baby, with all the kids in class, and suddenly, I didn’t know if I would remain or leave and just come back for her two hours later. I realized I was the one having separation anxieties, and if not for the fact that my daughter was too cool for it, would hyperventilate in no time.

The next year, she entered Canossa as a junior kinder pupil, and for the next five years, I would accompany her on her first day in school. I would take a leave of absence to bring her to school myself, and wait there until she emerges from her classroom a few hours later. I only stopped doing this when she reached her intermediate level. I figured, nobody would want to see a mom waiting outside her daughter’s classroom when she was already big enough to be by herself (of course, she was brought to and fetched from school so she was just on her own during school hours.)

I also believed in teaching her myself. During her primary years, I would dutifully check her notebooks every night to see if she had any assignment left undone, or to review the ones she already answered herself. I would also make her reviewers (some of which I passed on to one of our company’s security personnel, who is a good friend of mine, and whose own daughter is also on the same grade level as Kara’s.) During these times, Kara would complain that I make exams which are much harder than the ones her teachers give them. But then, I would tell her that I make them harder so that it would be easier to answer her teachers’ actual exams. More often than not, her grades agree with me. Many a time, I would write her teachers for clarifications on some matters (especially with regard to English and Math), and I am thankful because all her teachers were nice enough to either provide explanation or correct their mistakes.

But most of all, I always tell Kara I would be happy with whatever she brings home, so long as she gave her best, and she did everything with integrity. Many times, when she went home unsatisfied or sad over a low grade, I would console her by asking her if she already gave her best. If she did, I would tell her that was enough for me. If she did not, then there will be a next time, and that she just has to make sure she was doing her best. It was also important for me that she was honest and that she did her work with integrity. I would tell her it’s better to fail at something and be able to look everybody in the eye, than win at something with one’s integrity being questioned. I don’t believe in putting too much pressure on my child because well, she is just a child. She should be allowed time to be one and enjoy the perks that come with it.

So while they were singing, “hand in hand, we stand, all across the land, we can make this world a better place in which to live…” I found myself looking at the faces of her classmates. They were all so innocent, yet so mature at the same time. Those kids in front of us, I believe have so much potential to make this world a much better place to live in, given the chance. And I know in my heart that they will do much better than the generations ahead of them ever did.

As they neared the end of their graduation song, I couldn’t help but realize that really, this is the time to let go, or at least, let go a bit, enough to let her experience life herself. At that point, I was asking myself where I should draw the line between being plain old motherly, and being a friend to her. I knew I needed to step back, allow her space where she would be able to discover things for herself.

And I knew I had to brush back tears lest she see me crying and tease me for being a crybaby. Then again, as long as I live, I would probably mother her, and to me, she will always be my baby.

Last Saturday, we laid to rest our Nanay Minia, my papa’s mom who succumbed to pulmocardiac arrest because of aortic aneurism, coupled with pneumonia and multiorgan failure.

It was on March 2 when she was brought to Medical Center Manila because of pneumonia. My papa and his eldest sister brought her to the hospital. She was very depressed at the time because prior to this, she was diagnosed to have aortic aneurism, the reason she was having difficulty breathing. The doctors told her they could not operate on her because she would not be able to tolerate it anymore. She was already 75 years old, a diabetic with just one lung. You see, her other lung was taken out 50 years ago, when she was still in her 20s, because of a cyst.

Knowing they could not operate on her caused depression. The doctors just advised complete bed rest. On Tuesday, March 3, I visited her in her hospital room. When I saw her, I could not believe how fast she aged. The last time I saw her was during my aunt’s birthday in January. At the time, though she looked thinner than ever, she was nevertheless perky, even volunteering to take Cassie in her arms. But this time, she was very frail looking, and it didn’t help that she was obviously having a hard time talking. When she saw me enter the room, she immediately directed me to sit on her hospital bed, which I dutifully obeyed. That night, I believed in my heart she would be ok, that this too, shall pass. But when it was time for us to leave, as Bong and I were kissing her, she told us over and over, “alagaan nyo ang mga bata, wag nyong pababayaan ang mga bata.”

I felt sadness overwhelm me. Here I was thinking she would be ok, but it was as if she was already giving us her last requests. It was not anything material, instead, she just wanted us to make sure the kids would all be ok. It was very difficult to fight the tears welling in my eyes as we all filed out of the room. Outside, a table with the eleventh station of the cross image displayed was all I could look at as I cried silently. I was not yet prepared to let go of Nanay. I wanted to bring the kids to her so she could hug and kiss them till she doesn’t want to anymore. As I looked at Jesus’ crucified image, I could only pray Nanay would make it through. Because I wanted her to enjoy the kids. Because I wanted to see her again, alive and happy, her usual self. Because I was not yet ready to lose her. I don’t think any of us were.

Over the next few days, her condition worsened. The next days saw her constantly drowsy, an effect of her erratic blood sugar levels, which went from a high of less than 300 to as low as 65.

On Sunday morning, March 8, she was brought to the ICU. She went in coma, and no matter how much insulin they pumped in her body, it never went down from 495. There, she was given maximum medications, and 24-48 hours to live. When we got there, there were so many tubes connected to her, and her arms bruised due to the frequent blood pressure taking and drawing of blood samples. They were monitoring her blood pressure which never went up from its 60/40 reading. Her heart rate remained at 125. I asked the hospital chaplain to anoint her with the holy oil. After, I kissed her, and told her I love her, and said sorry I could not bring the kids to see her.

We left that night, praying she would be better. I was asking God for a miracle so she could go back to living with us.

The next day, Monday, her blood pressure went up to 100/60. I thought it could not have happened if it weren’t for God’s miracle. The doctors said she would undergo dialysis if her condition improved immensely. That night, we offered a mass for her and I prayed she would get well.

On Tuesday noon, while in the office, I received that dreaded text message from my sister Anne. In it, she said my papa text messaged her to ask that we all go to the hospital because Nanay’s condition worsened. The minute I got it, I knew things could never get better. I hurriedly left the office while praying Nanay would hold on ‘til we got to the hospital. I could no longer ask her to live for us if it would mean pain. I just asked that her transition to eternal life would be painless for her. After all, she’s had too much. I got to the hospital at 1:45p.m. Nanay could not wait, and passed away at 1:42p.m. I just saw the heart monitor with the steady line, the kind you see in movies. I couldn’t bring myself to ask papa how nanay was, but he told me she passed away peacefully. I just quietly kissed and hugged her, and said my goodbyes.

We held the wake at Arlington in Araneta Ave. From Tuesday to Friday, there was a steady stream of visitors—friends and relatives who joined us in our grief. There were many who joined us as we laid her to rest last Saturday. I realized how comforting it was to know you had family and friends to be with you in times of sorrow.

But above all, I also realized how infinitely good God is. I was asking for a miracle for Nanay. But God also gently told me He had been giving miracles eversince that day Nanay was operated on 50 years ago. Her doctors told her she would live for 5 more years after the operation. At the time, my papa and his sisters were still very young.SoInstead of just 5 years, God gave her ten times that. How generous could that be? In all those 50 years, not only did Nanay see her children grow up, she also witnessed us, her grandchildren, growing up, finishing our studies, getting jobs, getting married and having families of our own. She did not just see her grandchildren, she got to hold her great grandchildren and be with them. God was very generous, indeed. So generous, He gave Nanay 50 more years to live and be with us. So now that God has decided He wants to be with her in heaven, who are we to complain?

Thank you, Lord, for the miracles You constantly perform in our lives. Thank you for Nanay Minia, and thank You for cradling her in Your arms.

1. I never really cooked at home before I got married, but now, I do, and Bong and Kara love whatever I cook, and that’s what’s most important to me

2. I love kissing and cuddling, so whatever chance I get to kiss and cuddle my children, I grab it. And yes, I LOVE doing this too with Bong.

3. I cry a lot—in the movies, even at home watching an episode of MMK, when there’s a misunderstanding between me and the people I love, when I share and hear sad stories, the first time I saw my babies after giving birth to them—the list goes on.

4. I once dreamed of becoming a lawyer after finishing my Journalism course. Then I had Kara. But you know, I would never trade Kara for any dream in this world. I love my daughter (and the two little ones) to pieces!

5. If I argue with you in English, then that means I am really really mad.

6. I feel I am always put in situations where I need to fight for my rights or my loved ones’, for that matter, that’s why I almost always come off too strong/mataray. But then, I was never a pushover, either.

7. I had difficult pregnancies because we discovered I had APAS (Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome), an autoimmune condition which makes my body reject the developing baby. To save the baby, I had heparin injections twice a day which would leave purple bruises on my belly. Which reminds me…

8. I don’t drink coffee that much anymore. Ever since I got pregnant twice in a row, I have somehow gotten coffee out of my system, and even the usual 3-in-1 could give me heart palpitations now. (funny though, fraps work well for me)

9. The only regret I had marrying Bong was that we didn’t have a wedding singer as good as him. sad.

10. Surprisingly, I liked the Sex and the City Movie. I can’t wait for the next one.

11. I once sang the part of Asaka in our college production of “Once on this Island .” And I would also sometimes pitch in for Jennie Mateo nee Aguirre who played the part of Ti Moune whenever she’d get hoarse from singing.

12. I used to commute from Sta. Rosa to UP Diliman and back during College. My parents didn’t consider having me live in a dorm or a boarding house.

13. I once wrote a balagtasan piece for our annual celebration of the priests’ day in High School.

14. I passed the first exam given to wannabes of PSHS, but wasn’t able to take the second exam because the schoolmate tasked to give me the letter informing me I passed the exam failed to do so.

15. I turned down Bong not once, but thrice. And just when he was no longer interested in me, that was the time I discovered I had feelings for him. The rest, as they say, is history.
16. I once auditioned for UPSA (UP Singing Ambassadors) only to prove to an ex that I could get in and sing with the group. And when the novelty of it all wore out, I started losing interest, too. It was also hard to keep up especially when you have to go home to Laguna after rehearsals at around 10-11pm. (but I was able to perform with the group a few times, so to me, that was already enough)

17. What first attracted me to Insular Life was the piped-in music they were playing during my entrance exams—classical music, would you believe!

18. I took over the responsibility of enrolling myself and my siblings to school (including my cousins pa pala) when I was only in grade five. Since my mom has work, she trusted me with the enrollment money. That taught me to be more independent.

19. I was able to watch two Oblation runs in UP. I realized after the second time that once you’ve seen it, you’ve seen all.

20. I used to be good in math. Really. Unfortunately, years without practice really make one forget the whole thing. Fortunately for me, Kara very seldom needs help with Math.

21. After giving birth to Kara while inside the recovery room, I was in such high spirits that I couldn’t care less if everywhere, other women were either throwing up or plain knocked out after giving birth themselves. I just remember being impatient, and to while away the time, I was singing “Build me Up Buttercup.”

22. I am allergic to all kinds of pain killers except celebrex, and anything containing aspirin.

23. I always tell my friends who are still single to look for a man who shares the same faith as theirs. Worshiping together is very important to me. And I am very lucky Bong and I share the same beliefs and practices when it comes to our faith.

24. Kara used to tell me I make harder (review) exams than her teachers’ actual exams.

25. If there is one person I would want to be with again, that would be my deceased brother, Lon. I miss him and I would want to tell him face to face that I love him so much.

Was able to finally watch Twilight in the cinema last saturday. Watched it with bong and kara. like any other fan who watched the movie after reading the book, i was disappointed. I just didn’t think the reel version of Edward (Robert Pattinson who also played Cedric Diggory in those HP movies) and Bella (Kristen Stewart who was also in the movie Zathura) had enough chemistry, if any. Plus, in the book, the vampires were all described as supermega beautiful people. To say that the actors who portrayed the characters in the movie version fell below my expectations is a big understatement.

I was also very disappointed with the scene depicting the “hunt”. It didn’t feel scary at all. I remember reading that particular chapter last Friday while waiting for bong to come home after their christmas party, and i really felt how real it was. Like I wouldn’t be able to get out of the room because anytime i do, the evil vampire James would appear in front of me to kill me (ha! move over, Bella!) I know it was silly. And what was sillier was fearing for Bong’s life because that vampire might just be roaming the streets and he might find Bong, and who knows what he’d do with him? (now, that is really silly!) But what i am talking about is, no matter how juvenile the story is, for that moment, it was suddenly all so real to me. Sadly though, it was not like that in the movie. oh well.

Then again, that’s how novels-turned-movies are. They’re almost always a disappointment. why i still watch them sometimes perplexes me. am i just a masochist or am i just getting older? whatever. in the meantime, i hope to finish the rest of the books, no matter how juvenile they may be. My friend Vien said in one of her blog entries that it’s like our fave high school books Sweet Dreams with that vampy twist.that’s ok i guess. everybody loves to reminisce sometimes anyway. and if that reminiscing would include a handsome almost-godlike vampire named Edward Cullen, i’d say, bring it on!

P.S. I wonder how Inkheart, The Hobbit and even Angels and Demons would turn out? And i wonder why no producer would gamble on Steve Berry’s books? hmmm…

Last Saturday, Bong, Kara and I watched the 3rd and final installment to the HSM saga. I was excited to watch this because I knew it was one of Kara’s faves (I even bought all the HSM books I could find in Powerbooks.)

I couldn’t help but marvel at the genius that is Kenny Ortega. Imagine choreographing/directing all those wonderful production numbers. I particularly liked that scene where Troy and Chad went back to being kids in that auto salvage yard. The dance moves were difficult (hey! I am not a dancer!) but well, all the other musical numbers were superb, so I guess all would qualify as difficult, huh. I just hated Vanessa Hudgen’s voice. I mean, couldn’t they do anything at all with that? I’m sure their ears must have bled to death while they were recording, considering how shrill and irritating it is.

But as irritating as Vanessa’s voice was, I couldn’t help but feel as if I have lost something after watching the movie. I’m sure some of you would agree with me when I say that HSM kinda grows on you. And so I really felt sad knowing it is the last of the High School Musical movies Disney is going to make. (At least Kara and I feel the same. Heehee)

But yeah, I couldn’t help but reminisce about those years when not knowing about what degree to take in college was one’s biggest problem (I was in a dilemma whether to take up Mass Comm, or HRM, or Architecture since I believed I would be able to hurdle those math problems), or what to do with the one you “love” who will be miles away from you, or even what dress to wear for the prom. If only I knew that whatever degree I would take in college wouldn’t matter much with the job I am holding right now, or that high school romance is nothing compared to the one I would experience years later with the man I would marry, or even that whatever prom dress I would wear would be incomparable to the joys of wearing a maternity dress knowing that a little miracle lives inside you, then I wouldn’t have worried at all.

But when you are at that stage where all there is, is high school and the fact that you would have to face your biggest fears otherwise known as college, independence and maturity, then you really have a reason to panic. But as long as you have your family and friends on your side, and your faith that the One above will tide you over all of life’s difficulties, then you will get by. Believe me, I did.

Kara and her crush, Jed Madela

This afternoon, after bringing the babies to the doctor (jeremy to have his 6-in-1 booster shot) and cassie for another check-up, we went to SM to do some shopping, and since there were so many people, we #went to nearby Robinson’s to eat at KFC (my sister anne loves chicken so much, she now has wings!)

While there, we found out Jed Madela was going to have a show. While we were eating, we heard the show start, and in a few minutes, Jed was already belting one of his songs. Kara told me she had a crush on Jed and that she wanted to watch. I asked her if she wanted us to buy his album so she could have it autographed. She was smiling from ear to ear upon hearing my question.

She couldn’t wait to finish her food so she could go and watch Jed at the activity area. Later, anne, Jeremy and I followed her and Ate Michelle who was holding Cassie and who also went ahead so she could watch. When I saw they were ok, I went to the table where Jed’s CDs were displayed for sale. The cheapest was i think his first album, selling for P150. Another was priced at P280 (this one, a repackaged CD), the third, at P300 which is his current album and the fourth, a combination of his first and second albums which cost P500. I wanted to give Kara both his albums so i bought the last.

After buying this, I went to kara and gave her the CDs. I could see how happy she was, she was smiling from ear to ear, and even told me Thank you twice. I was already happy just to see her smile at me.

I remember a few years back, when Sarah Geronimo did a mall tour at SM Sta. Rosa. We were there, but it was not intentional. Anyway, I asked Kara if she wanted to buy the CD and she said no. We went home after that. Later that night, I found out she actually wanted to buy the CD so she could have her photo taken with Sarah and have her autograph, too. I didn’t know it would frustrate her so I vowed to myself that the next time we get the chance to see an artist she really likes, I would buy that artist’s albums so she could have her autograph and photo taken with that artist, too. This afternoon, that was exactly what she got.

It’s not in Kara’s nature to insist on having something unless she’s well aware it’s also one of our top priorities. So naturally, she never told me she wanted a CD of Jed. But I could not pass up the opportunity. And i proved myself right because when she got the CDs, happiness was written all over her face. I was so touched that I fought tears of happiness, too. My baby’s joy is my joy, after all.
KFC merienda: P500+

Jed Madela’s albums: P500

Kara’s gratitude and happiness: PRICELESS.

Last Saturday, Bong and I were finally able to watch Mamma Mia on DVD, and what can I say? Either I just love musicales, or the movie is really nice because i loved it. Meryl Streep delivered a really nice performance, and well, I just could relate to the fact that letting go of your dear daughter who is getting married the next day is really very hard. Not that any of my daughters is getting married. One is just a four-month baby and the other, well, an 11-year old pretty young lady, but is still my baby. period.

when Meryll streep a.k.a. Donna started singing “Slipping through my fingers”, i couldn’t stop myself from shedding tears. I even had to hide my eyes from Bong lest he sees me crying because of a movie. heehee. But the words really struck me, and the scenes accompanying the song made it even worse. In it, Donna was singing while Sophie her daughter gets ready for the wedding. After showering and while brushing her teeth, Sophie emerges from the bathroom and shows her mom Donna her bruised leg, whereupon donna immediately gathers her and puts something on her daughter’s bruised leg, and then kisses it. aaaawww… that’s just what mothers do to their kids’ bruises.

My friend and officemate Mitch already told me this particular song would really strike me. That was really touching, and I imagined my darling Kara. I told myself it really is very hard to let go. Even when Kara is already an 11-year old young lady who is even so much taller than me, I still think of her as if she were my 2-year old baby who I once brought to my office when we were still in Makati, and who i carried from the office to the bus station. I was instantly reminded of the times when I would just cuddle her on bed and give her millions of kisses and hugs, or the times when I would read her countless fairy tales and other stories, or the times when she would draw stick figures representing me holding her hand with the words I love you mama written beside the images…

For a mom, letting go is the hardest part. And I know, even if Kara gets married, she will still be my baby. I just wish she wouldn’t slip through my fingers yet…

Slipping Through My Fingers

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that Im losing her forever
And without really entering her world
Im glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when shes gone theres that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I cant deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didnt
And why I just dont know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see whats in her mind
Each time I think Im close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers…

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile…

Yesterday, on my way home from work, the mother of one of my Ates (I call my yayas “Ate”) informed me through a text message that her father is in Manila and will leave for Samar (where they live) this Saturday. The sad part is, he wants to fetch his daughter and bring her home as well.

This naturally stunned me. It was very abrupt and this Ate is the one taking care of my little hyperactive boy, Jeremy. I asked her why it was all so sudden, like we were not even informed she was leaving so suddenly. I told her I would have understood if she were at least mistreated at home. For the life of me, I really could not see any indication she wanted to leave. I was even thinking I was not a bad employer because Bong and I always let our Ates eat ahead of us, I even tell them to eat well, this particular Ate especially because she is taking care of a very active boy and she has to be able to match his energy. I even cook at home now because I want them to have something to eat when Bong and I are not around. I always give in to their requests, especially those that have to do with money. And upon arriving from work, even when I have not had rest yet, I take Jeremy with me so I could relieve her because I know how tiring it is to take care of my little boy. Sobra akong manuyo, actually.

So imagine my astonishment when I was suddenly informed that she is leaving. Yesterday was a Thursday, so that gave me two days of notice. At home, I talked to her and asked her if she knew her father was coming to fetch her. She said she did not know and that she was going to leave only if we have already found somebody to replace her. I told her that was not what her mother told me.

This morning, Bong and I talked to her and it seems she has already really made up her mind that she is leaving. I told her it was like her family forgot to give us time to breathe and just wrung our necks because of their decision. I told her it truly pained me to let her go because I have already learned to like and even love the two of them (my Ates) because we could see they both love our babies and they are taking care of them so well. Even my daughter Ate Kara talked to me last night and asked me not to let go of this particular Ate. But I told the Ate that I also know she loves her family more than she loves Jeremy so I understand why she wants to go home now. And if tomorrow she still decides to go home with her father, I would understand.

On the way to the office this morning, I could not sleep on Bong’s shoulder even when I had about 4 to 5 hours of sleep only due to Cassie’s fussing at 2:00 in the morning. I was still very much bothered not just because we need to find a replacement Ate soon, but because it really pains me to let her go.

Now as I am writing this, I feel as if I have just broken up with someone. When you have learned to care for somebody and that somebody decides to leave you, you are left with a feeling of great loss. I am wishing the next Ate would be able to take care of my little Jeremy and love him as much as this Ate does. Nowadays, it is hard to look for someone you can trust your life and your children’s lives with. But then, last night and this morning, I already lifted up to Him my problems and woes and told Him we can’t do this alone. I know the next Ate He sends will be just as nice and caring because she will come from Him. Your will be done, Lord.