Kaye’s Musings

My mom’s eldest sister and her family were here last Sunday. Naturally, we also stayed at my mom’s. you see, we have a big family (angkan talaga since my mom alone has 9 siblings, not counting her four half sisters) and whenever we visit each other, we make it a point to stay together for the rest of the day, or until whoever visited decides to go home.

Anyway, my tita, Mama Ningning as we call her, saw Cassie and commented on how big she already is. Then she asked me if I am planning to have another baby. I said no, since I opted to be ligated. It becomes increasingly hard to manage my pregnancy, so there. Funny, she suddenly commented, sayang, ang ganda mo pa naman mag-anak. ngeee… but then, I also thought, when the kids are older, I would probably miss having a baby to take care of. So i just told myself that until that day when my two little ones refuse to let me kiss them in front of their friends (I am glad Kara still allows me this little luxury) I would enjoy them and would always love hugging and kissing them.

When I was but a school girl in pigtails, my mom used to pack our merienda bags (I remember mine was the red, square-shaped plastic kind with Star Wars in front. It has its own juice jug, too! J) with mamon or cheese cupcake from Alvarez Bakeshop, a local bakeshop with a branch in nearby town, Biñan, Laguna.

I remember too that Alvarez’ bakeshop’s cheese cupcake was my young tummy’s favorite. Di pa uso noon ang Goldilocks o ang Red Ribbon. Even our birthday cakes were sourced from Alvarez Bakeshop.

Years passed, Goldilocks and Red Ribbon’s branches proliferated until I totally forgot about Alvarez Bakeshop and its mamon and cheese cupcakes.

However, a year ago while still pregnant with Jeremy, I suddenly just had a craving for my favorite cheese cupcake. Lemon Squares had one like Alvarez’ but this was still different from what I got used to so di pa din pasado. Until in one of our trips to our adopted school in Muntinlupa, the Itaas Elementary School, I saw that there was an Alvarez Bakeshop branch in Muntinlupa Poblacion (I think that’s what they call the place where the intersection is, going to the New Bilibid Prison Community). I promised myself I would stop there one day and just buy my favorite cheesecake.

This afternoon on the way to the same school for our storybook donation ceremony, I caught a glimpse of “Alvarez.” I told my colleagues that it brings back memories of my childhood when I used to bring Alvarez Bakeshop stuff to school for merienda. And what do you know, on our way back to the office after the event, I asked our colleague Mon who was driving the company-owned Innova to park at a side street so I could cross the street and buy my cheese cupcakes. I was even too impatient since the traffic aides took too long to stop the traffic to let commuters cross the road.

After a while though, I got to the other end of the road. Heehee. You just don’t know how happy I was when I saw that they’re still selling the same cupcakes. J I bought 6 cupcakes and was smiling from ear to ear when I returned to the car. My friend Aileen asked me if they were particularly delicious since I had to make an effort to buy them. I just smiled, knowing only I would understand my craving for these cupcakes.

As I write this in front of my computer monitor, I am eating one of those cupcakes. I am immediately transported to my grade school years, when life was still so much simpler and I did not have to think about going to the supermarket to do my grocery shopping, or what to cook in the evening so my husband Bong could come home to a warm, home-cooked meal, nor the need to wake up early in the morning to prepare for work after having only three to four hours of sleep due to babies crying in the wee hours of the morning, either from a bad dream or because they need to be fed.

But then, seeing my kids peacefully asleep gives me a certain kind of calm—the one that makes me all the more thankful to the Lord because Hegave me three beautiful and wonderful children I will never trade for anything or anyone in this world. So forget about that distant past when I would leave the worrying to my parents while I enjoy munching on my cheese cupcakes. I realize how I love my life now. Besides, I could still have my favorite cheese cupcakes, but this time, I can enjoy them while cuddled in front of the tv with my Bong.

Got myself a used copy of Laura Esquivel’s Like Water for Chocolate via ebay, and yesterday, was able to read the whole thing. again. I remember reading it the first time when I was so much younger courtesy of my ninang solly. (i think i was only on my 1st year in high school at the time). But reading it again, i found myself enjoying it, and wishing it were not too short a novel. Maybe, i should get the film version next. and soon.
oh, and I am due to return to work in a few days, tuesday to be exact. This time, i sooooo regret the fact that I would have to leave my babies behind in order to go back to reality and work. Not that I am complaining. I have work, ain’t i? I just don’t want the feeling of missing my babies and not being with them for so long. after all, there would be times I know I would have to stay behind even after the mandatory 8-hour work duty due to some other things i need to finish. just like before. But I know, as long as I could, I will try to rush home so i could be with my little ones. and even my big girl, Ate Kara.

Reading my baby’s blog about her supposed bestfriend and how she felt abandoned by her made me realize that she’s indeed growing up, and there really is nothing I could do about it. I could always wish the heartaches were mine to experience so she could be spared from all those lonely moments, but then I know she needs to feel these too. Because these are part of life and because these, I know, would make her a better, more mature and more loving person. But then, there’s a part of me that wishes we could go back to the time when she was just a little kid, and I could brush away the tears whenever she gets physically hurt because then, the tears were not caused by a broken heart, and certainly not by a user-friendly kid (well, that’s the mother in me talking) unlike now. I just hope she knows that there’s one person who will stay with her no matter what, and who will always love her come what may. Yup, my Darling Kara, that is your overly makulit mom who will never get tired of telling you “I love you to pieces!”

It does not matter whether it’s a few hours, a few days, weeks, months, years or decades, even. Once you decide to be a mother, you become one and your life ceases to be what it once was.

Just recently, one of my college friends who just gave birth to her twins lost one of them. The little girl did not even make it out of the hospital. The news was truly devastating. But what do you say to a friend who has just lost a child, and whose life will never be the same again? that it was for the best? that at least she was still a baby and she hadn’t cared for her for long? Nothing. You just quietly weep, knowing how painful it is to lose a child you cared for in your womb, while uttering silent prayers that she will eventually be well enough to take care of her other baby. And that was what I did, because I know the harrowing feeling of not knowing what to do while your child suffers from something you cannot take away, nor do something about…

For weeks, I deferred writing about what recently happened to me and my kids. While in the hospital after giving birth to my youngest, Kara felt sharp pain on the right side of her tummy. We thought it was just gas pain, or a worse kind of dysmenorrhea. But it wouldn’t let up, so she had an ultrasound. There, they saw a cyst on her right ovary. To be sure, she had an MRI and there, it was confirmed, she had a cyst. A few hours after that, she was inside the operating room of Makati Med to have her cyst removed. Unfortunately, her right ovary had to be taken out as well. While all these was happening, I was on my hospital bed, crying while praying endlessly. She was still too young to go through something as huge as this, and I was not by her side. Even if I wanted to be with her, I couldn’t as I was still recovering myself. It was killing me. Luckily, my family– my mom, papa, sisters and brother-in-law, as well as close relatives were all there with her, while Bong and his family was with me praying while the surgery was being performed on her. Needless to say, the operation went well and she recovered soon enough.

Things went well, until two weeks after when Jeremy had high-grade fever. It was on to Perpetual at first, then Asian Hospital next. The fever did not go away easily even while he was already confined in the hospital. We thought it was dengue but his platelet count was normal. And since I had to take care of Cassandra at home, I couldn’t be with my baby boy. It felt like dying all over again, not being able to do something to take away the pain. At the time, I told myself I would give everything to see him smile at me and have the old makulit and malikot Jeremy we all have gotten used to. Yet, it would take almost a week before the fever would finally go away. In the end, we were told it was just a viral infection.

During these times, I felt dried up due to too much crying. But what could a mother like me do? I knew I wasn’t doing anything to harm my babies yet they got sick. And even if I wanted to take their pain, it was just impossible to do this. Again, what do you do? You just accept the fact that motherhood brings with it so much joy, and so much more pain… because it does not matter whether it’s a few hours, a few days, weeks, months, years or decades, even…once you decide to be a mother, you become one and your life ceases to be what it once was…because once you become a mother, you are scarred forever…yet you would never wish for a life otherwise.

Today’s my 36th week, but my OB Gyn friend and I already agreed on my date with the stork. It will be this Friday, June 6 at 8 in the morning. I originally intended it to be on the following day but there will be a conflict in skeds so we settled for Friday. This way, our little girl’s first birthday will still be on a weekend. less hassle pa din.

anyway, things are doing well. I just hope everything will go as planned on Friday. I hope you will pray for me and our Cassandra Sofia. Next time I write here, it’ll probably to announce the birth of our little one.

Funny though, Jeremy is going to be a kuya very soon, though he doesn’t know it yet. We just celebrated his first birthday last Sunday. It was with family and friends and neigborhood kids. and now, another milestone is about to come. God is truly good. He doesn’t fail to shower us with so much blessings. yun lang po!

Yesterday was my Ate Kara’s recognition day. She received a Diligence Award
at the end of her fifth grade.

It was actually a pleasant surprise when she texted me last Tuesday that she
would be attending the school’s recognition program after all. She didn’t win
any of the final contests she joined and she told me after, that she already
lost her chance to attend the (school) year end program. But then, her fourth
quarter grades must have all been good because she received the award
nonetheless. To qualify for the award, a student must have attained a certain
average for at least 3 quarters. (she did not qualify during the first quarter).
And so, there we were in the school gym attending the ceremonies feeling proud for my darling daughter’s achievement. (did my parents feel the same during my time? hehe)

Ate Kara’s achievement was even sweeter due to the fact that she had very
little help from me in her studies unlike when she was still in her primary
schooling. Then, I would review her lessons and assignments and make exam
reviewers (which according to her were even more difficult than the actual exams her teachers give her. hehe)

After the awards ceremonies, we just had a simple celebration, eating lunch
at Friday’s ATC.

Congratulations, Ate Kara. I am very proud of you and I thank the Lord for
giving me such a smart and loving daughter like you. I love you darling!

Last Saturday, Feb. 16, was the first time in two weeks that I was able to hold my Jeremy. He had german measles/rubella which prevented me from taking care of him. I have to protect this little one inside me, too, and if I am not careful, the complications arising from a congenital rubella will be more serious than we could ever imagine.

Those two weeks that I was actually the one being quarantined, were the longest two weeks of my life. I was mostly alone at home, finishing sudoku puzzles and reading stardust to forget my misery and depression (watching the news would make me more miserable, anyway. I did not want to immerse myself with that Lozada story, Lahat naman sila puro balato ang habol. malas lang nina joey de venecia at jun lozada dahil di sila nabigyan ng balato. tsk. tsk. tsk). For days, I couldn’t do anything but cry because I was so miserable not being able to take care of my sick baby. Even Ate Kara I couldn’t see since she was staying with Jeremy. I had to content myself with watching videos of him taken by Bong whenever he would stay with Jeremy who was staying with my mom. I was even afraid he would not know the sound of my voice anymore, or worse, recognize me once he sees me.

But last Saturday… It was actually early considering my OB told me to stay away til about the following week ends but knowing Jeremy’s rashes were gone and I had waited two weeks already, I really could not keep myself from holding him again. And so I went to my mom’s and saw him asleep. The moment I entered the room and got near him, I could not keep myself from hugging him. as a result, his nap was cut, but i know he was just as glad to see me because when I got him, he just rested his head on my shoulder, as if to say I’ve missed you, mom. But I know I’ve missed him so much more.

Bong told me he would have to ask first my OB if that was ok, but then I told him, I already asked God for this… I asked Him to make it His birthday gift to me…for me to be able to hold my baby again as I was missing him sorely already  (and also for me to be near ate kara again). I guess that was the only thing I needed to tell him because he said I should claim it and it would already be mine.

And yes, I already claimed Jeremy’s full recovery from german measles and the little baby’s (the one inside my tummy) perfect health.
In all, I have to thank my mom who was always there to take over the things I couldn’t do, and my sister Anne who also had sleepless nights taking care of my sick baby, my papa who would take care of Jeremy even when he has so many things to do at the same time…and Ate Kara who would kiss Jem for me… and Daddy Bong who never failed to take photos and videos of Jem so he  could show Jeremy’s progress every night when he comes home from staying with him, and my in-laws who visited us last Saturday to make sure their apo was doing well. I am glad so many people love my kids… if only for that, I know and feel God’s love is everywhere around me.

well, what do you know?

for close to two years, we waited to get pregnant, and in june this year, i gave birth to our handsome baby boy. needless to say, it was a rather difficult pregnancy since there were complications and i had to take tons of medicines to ensure that he’d be ok.

now, close to five months after giving birth to Jeremy David, i tested positive again. Are we nuts, then? or am i just a masochist? neither of the two. i actually want another baby, but it was honestly a surprise, since i would want another in about two or three years. still, after contemplating, i can only be thankful to God because of another miracle inside me. and rather than be scared, i can only do my best to be a good mother, and trust that God, with His infinite mercy, will always be with us, just as He was with me while i was carrying Kara, and later on, Jeremy.

was watching the news where pimentel was shown visiting erap before the promulgation of Sandiganbayan’s judgment on Erap’s plunder case. my gaaaadddd! the nerve of this has-been. six years ago, he made possible erap’s removal from office. then, pimentel was a respected statesman. now, he’s just a plain ass-kisser.